Little bits

I find I've had success with some little bits of life. I managed to get myself more of a real job. I'm making friends, thanks to finding a good housemate situation. I'm no longer living in a creepy residence hotel with shared bathrooms.

Still, I totally want to run away and move in with my parents. But I can't. My parents and all the people in my old life are 1500 miles away from my daughter.

So I'm trying to put together a new life for myself from these little bits.

So far, so good.

Getting divorced was devastating. I didn't fully realize how much the sense of stability from being in a marriage helped me deal with life. But, alas, it was a marriage that was making my ex-wife miserable and that misery was transferring to me. Or was it the other way around?

Either way, it's time to move forward.

What I've learned is that I need other people in my life. I need stability and familiarity.

There's part of me that really wants that kind of a reliable relationship again. I want someone who will look out for me and who I can look out for. Life can be frightening and lonely.

I'm scared though. I know myself. I know I have limitations and can be pretty naïve when it comes to relationships. I have been a jerk and an idiot. I don't want to do that again, but worry that maybe I will.

And I also don't know how to protect myself. I worry. I don't want to fake my way into another relationship that doesn't work. I also know I don't have the stamina and resilience to go through the whole dating thing and shopping for potential partners. I also know that I don't want to be alone.

I have to believe that it's not an impossible problem. I have to give myself the hope that it will all work out. But I think I'll also try to have the patience to take things as slowly as I need to.

Feelings are hard. I don't always know what they mean. Anyone who is good for me for the long term will be someone who can accept and appreciate that's a part of me. Someone who things I'm worth it anyhow.